Why Do People Hurt Other People? + How to Truly Forgive

Get ready for this: People don't hurt other people. 

What? How can I say that? 

I have something else to say on top of that statement: People are good.

If you don't believe this, go right now to the nearest baby (not very far for me) and watch that baby. Look into her or his eyes and play with that baby. Chances are (barring sleepiness, thirst, dirty diaper and hunger [all forms of pain]) that they will laugh and smile at you. They will uplift you with their chubby happiness and breathtaking innocence. Their eyes might be sparkling. The younger the baby, the purer the straight-up divine energy of the human soul will be to you. 

Witness the purity and goodness of the baby. (Or imagine it in your mind).

That is how people really are before they are conditioned by the world. It is not people, y'all.

It is two different things that take over people: fear and pain. It is probably a mixture of both. Both are rampant and both do their parts to condition humans by the time they turn 2. 

Fear

Fear started as a means of survival. A way to keep eating, to stay alive, to keep your family and tribe safe. Then it got out of control. Starting fighting for love's role in the world. It has been fighting that battle for millenia. But the problem with that is that love is everywhere. Love spawned fear as a means of survival, as an aid. So in the end, it's like a little child battling a parent for power. 

So know this: whenever there is a power struggle, there is always fear. 

Pain

As for pain, it was always a part of being human. The concept behind pain is that it is necessary as well. It is the contrast of experience that is necessary to know life. To know when something is not good for you, to feel when you need to stop to prevent death of body or mind. Pain, also, was intended to be an aid, a signal to stop or fix something. Pain is also necessary to know joy. The sensations guide us to what is good for us.

If only we would not ignore it. The problem, when it comes to pain, is that we don't want to feel it. We think it will kill us. But it won't. Pain is a gift. It is only a signal. Something needs to come out, to be fixed, to be terminated. That's all. Heed the message. 

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When we stuff down pain, it will slowly kill us. We must feel it and release it. Let it transmute and open us up. Let it turn to light. It is meant to bring us closer to God, to Source. 

When we ignore pain, when we hide it away, it will control us. It will puppet us to hurt others. When we cannot manage our pain, it uses us to gain more pain from ourselves and from others. It is a living thing that wants more food, more energy. So it will live off you and feed off you. It will create more pain in your life. It will hurt others to get the food it needs. 

This is why people hurt you. Because they were not taught how to manage their pain. 

The pain-killer epidemic is a clear indication that people do not know how to manage pain. And so they lose their joy when they lose their pain. They are sides to the same coin. And so they lose themselves in the drugs because what is life without being able to feel joy? 

The Fear-Pain Cycle

On top of the fact that fear and pain are necessary parts of life that have gotten out of control is this: they work together. Fear causes pain. Pain causes fear. Chicken and egg. It is one big cycle, and often they live and work together to create food for their energies.

This is a dangerous symbiotic relationship that requires one thing for its abrupt breakup: love. 

Love breaks the cycle. Conscious love. That's all. It sounds simple, but it's not all that easy when there is a great momentum behind fear and pain. When they are driving for survival, they can be very tricky. So tricky as to work together to make you think it is the person that hurt you, not the fear. Not the pain. 

If you have been hurt or terrorized and need to forgive someone or some people, this is the one lesson you need to know: it was not them. It was ultimately the conditioning of fear and pain, deeply embedded within them because they were never taught how to feel and excavate and manage and witness and bring light to their fear and pain, the mixture of their fear and pain. 

So they did not have the tools and/or strength or even the training to stop the cycle. To stop the pain from making more pain in you, to stop the fear from causing you fear. They, as you know, aren't perfect. They are not to a level of consciousness to see that they are being used a puppet by their fear and pain. 

They simply did not have enough love and light to see what was happening. They are simply a part of human dysfunction, a dysfunction driven by you guessed it, fear and pain (which show up in all kinds of ways, in all kinds of disguises). This means that it is not personal. It is human dysfunction. It is not personal. It is fear and pain, out for food.

That is a nice thought if we can embrace it, when trying to forgive. It may feel personal, but it's not. It's not about you at all. It is their dysfunction.

Stop the Cycle

All this talk about fear and pain of humanity may have you feeling hopeless. But in fact, there is a lot of hope. Love is the parent of both of these energies. Love is all it takes to gain control of yourself. To stop the cycle. To forgive.

Love is being strong enough to see when you are being taken over by your own fear and pain. Or a collective fear and pain.

Love is being compassionate enough to recognize the hurt and fear in the other. 

Love is forgiveness. Forgiveness is the ultimate self-love. 

Because if you don't forgive, it does nothing to the one who hurt you. Withholding forgiveness does not hurt them. It only perpetuates the pain within yourself. Here's how:

1. It keeps you stuck in the past. You miss all the lovely present moments. You ignore the gifts right in front of your eyes, right now. That will cause your soul more pain, alone. It feeds on your own painful reliving of the memory. The pain feeds on itself and grows when you can't let go. Forgiveness is the only way to let go. 

2. When the pain grows big enough to the point that it must search for and feed on energy outside of you, it will cause pain to others in little and big ways. But we are all one, according to the quantum field. When you hurt another, you hurt you. Hurting another will probably cause you pain anyway, but this pain that you hurt will come back to you anyway because what you put out is what you get. These are laws of physics.

So let's stop the cycle. Forgiving is not that far away. I realize that it could take some time, and forgiveness is not easy when you have been profoundly hurt or terrorized. But do you very best to stop and drop the hurt and fear. To release it. It does not serve you. It is pure selfishness. So it will only ever serve itself. 

Ways to Forgive

  • Realize that the person or persons that hurt you are pure at the core, at the soul level. Imagine them as little babies, fresh and innocent and pure and good. Just here to love and be loved and experience the world. But in comes life, in comes the world. They will be conditioned.

  • Imagine this person or persons that trespassed against you as a scared, hurting child(ren). A child who is not getting enough attention. A child who is not getting enough love. A child who was not taught how to manage their energies battling for control within them. A child who has no control at all (who is pretty much possessed). A child who is being used by horrible-feeling sensations and does not know how to get out of this awful cycle. A slave to their own fear and pain.

  • If you feel enough strength and light around this vision, you can imagine light from your heart emerging and wrapping itself around the screaming child, holding the person who hurt you like a mother would hold a hurting, scared child. This is love. This is true compassion. It is motherly love, which is unconditional. It is nurturing. Bravo to you if you can make it to this step. This is one of the most powerful forms of love and light.

  • Realize the parasite of fear and pain and their need to feed on your negative emotions and the negative emotions of others. Don't let them control you. Forgiveness is the ultimate way to take back self-control. To love yourself. To drop what doesn't serve you. To release the resentment and grievances. The resentment, the grievance will only hold you back. It will weigh you down until you release it, I promise.

  • Remember that it is not personal, even when it may feel that way. And it always does. It is the human condition. But we are bringing the light and love. Have a lot of awareness around your emotions and energies. Become the master of your emotions by being the witness of them. This will require a lot of awareness and consciousness of now. Meditation is an awesome way to get still enough to see what lies beneath. It is the ultimate mindfulness practice. Let thoughts and memories bubble up during meditation and take the opportunity to feel what you need to feel and start the forgiveness process by bringing these new perspectives. Meditation is wonderful practice for becoming more aware. If you don't have a practice, this plan worked for a lot of us here at Soul Rises:

  • Try to be grateful that this circumstance, that this lesson of forgiveness is teaching you how to be a more evolved human being, is teaching you how to love in the most radical way, is teaching about light vs. darkness, love vs. fear, joy vs. pain. Be grateful that this will make you a more beautiful human, that this will make you a little bit more enlightened. It is happening for you, like everything that happens to you. This is radical gratitude. Gratitude is amazing once you establish a gratitude practice, which I believe in so much that I devised a plan:

  • If it's too much to do the big forgiveness right now, work on small forgivenesses every day. As sure as you are living in this world that is riddled with human dysfunction, you will have plenty of opportunities to practice small forgiveness. Someone cut you off in traffic? He is obviously possessed by fear. A co-worker says something rude? She is in pain. Forgive constantly. It is a muscle that we must strengthen and use every day. So when it comes time to really do some very heavy-lifting, you will have the muscle to throw that weight off you. Use your new perspective constantly. Help heal the world with your compassion. Beef up the forgiveness muscle to lift that energy and release it when the time comes.

If you are married or in a relationship, this is such a beautiful practice and will open up so many different lines of communication if you're ready. This could be a revolution for your relationships. Forgive all the time. Every little hurtful thing. 

 

Compassion is key. Awareness is key. And love is both of these things. As I said, forgiveness is one of the strongest acts of love. And surprisingly, the love is for you. It is radical self-love. It only relieves you. If it's true and genuine, it is like magic. 


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Thoughts on forgiveness and compassion? Forgiveness stories, please comment!

Related: Beautiful Forgiveness: A 16-Minute Meditation

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